Managing Your Household and Not Losing Your Mind

The business of momming (yes it's a word) encompasses so many aspects and yet it's difficult to lay out a clear business plan for success. Each family has unique characteristics, personalities, history and dreams. Because of these things it's important to hold expectations of what momming will be like with an open hand. Before I had kids I remember having a clear vision and plan for how to raise "perfect" kids and a clean house. I would never had said it like that, but that's what I had in my head. I read all the books. I followed the plans I read about perfectly and expected to be able to mold my kids into my version of the perfect kid. At that time I expected to be able to raise smart, driven, organized, clean, teachable kids. Basically tiny adults. And if I taught them something they would learn and be oh so happy to do what Wise Sensei Mom had imparted. Enter, stage left, the Burgess children, specifically the oldest Burgess child.

As an only child who had minimal experience with care-taking and married to a neurodiverse spouse, I thought all kids must be like "this." I assumed all kids were spicy, had extended screaming stints and passed out because they held their breathe in anger. Thankfully I had read all the books and had some understanding of giving time and space to calm down. Who am I kidding?! The books were not real helpful. None of them prepared me for THIS kid.

In this article I will dive into 3 things I have learned to help keep our home as calm and peaceful as possible with the varied personalities involved. Each of these areas is always evolving. That's one thing that I have had to embrace rather that try to fight. The more I push back and try to keep things the same, the more the tide of change tries to overtake me and my mental health.

First, the calendar and schedule. We have used many tools over the years, but as the neurotypical spouse I was always the driving factor in any system. That system would then get semi-ignored or edited to fit his neurodiverse brain. We landed on a very large dry erase calendar which I would edit each month. This worked well for about 15 years into having kids and then we hit the digital device era. The oldest kids began to get cellular devices and also be able to drive themselves. This freedom brought the need for change and thankfully I came across a wonderful tool. The Skylight calendar. This was a smaller version of the whiteboard and it allowed me to enter events on my device and share to the entire family. It eliminated the monthly erase and reset the whiteboard event. Keep in mind, this assumes the individuals will look at their digital calendars. Not so- for the neurodiverse brain. They have to be trained to look at the calendar and more importantly they have to see the value in NOT looking at the calendar. This means I had to allow natural consequences as much as possible. Some examples of things that actually happened: late to football-conversations with coach- conditioning consequences, forgotten practice time- I redirected to the posted schedules and that person had to find the information already available to them. These may seem over the top or mean, but when you're working with a brain that learns by doing/not doing, they have to experience as much as possible so it will "stick." The reality of this is brutal for my momma heart. I could easily wake them up, tell them when the event is, or over-manage so they don't fail. Hear me when I say, this is a work in progress! There are times when I need to help, but the ultimate and persistent goal is that everyone in the house becomes more responsible for themselves and how to manage their life and less dependent on me.

Second, meals. This is also a constantly changing plan. I've had the same meals each day for a month at a time, theme nights, meal kits, kids cooking nights, and many others. Flexibility and embracing your current phase of life is key. What works right now? Do that! It may need to change tomorrow. That's ok! Give yourself grace and do what you can to make meals you are happy with in this season. For us, I cook 2-3 times each week and we eat leftovers. Kids eat school lunch and they also know how to make basic foods, grilled cheese, Ramen, frozen pizza, sandwiches, anything in the air fryer. The things they can cook are generally NOT what I would prefer, but because I also value my own well-being I made the choice to trade always healthy-mom-cooked meals for kid cooked easy foods. This shift has freed up my time and in that my ability to make choices for my mental and physical health.

Last, cleaning. We've always taught kids to clean up and participate in picking up. Being a teacher, I used silly songs like this one to get the toddlers to clean up. Clean up clean up, everybody everywhere. Clean up clean up everybody do your share. As the kids got older, the silly songs didn't carry as much magic and they gave me the "mom is annoying" look. But, I still needed them to participate. Again, many systems over many years. Whatever worked for that season is what we did. One time we had an elaborate gem system where kids earned a full jar and the ever-popular Yes Day once every kid had a full jar. This worked well for a summer tool, but for the school year we have to use simple bare-bones systems to keep us going in the busyness. I attempted to enlist the help of my husband in a consistent cleaning plan. We even had a dinner date and went over the division of responsibilities. One week later things just weren't synching, ya know. So, a few more conversations later and we hired a house cleaner. She comes once a week and it gives me the time and mental peace I need. There's just something about a clean space that clears my head. It's not perfect, but it's good enough that I can walk through the house and not feel the need to stop every few feet and clean something. For this season it works and is worth the sacrifice in other areas to have someone clean. We've discussed what would need to happen to save the money on house cleaning service and at this point it's just not worth it for our family. We went MANY years with kids and no house cleaner. It worked because one of us was always home and giving full attention to young kids. Some of you are in that stage and hiring a house cleaner would probably be a waste of money. Chasing tiny tornadoes and always cleaning up their messes is a very different situation than 7 people going in 4 directions and various kids home alone. In this stage we have a star currency using the Skylight with chores worth stars and rewards listed. They can cash in stars for rewards. I edit from my phone and they check off on the calendar each day. It's truly delightful and so satisfying (as my kids say) to see things checked off! Our chore lists are simple: dishes, trash, laundry (big 3 do their own on certain days and little put away only). Randomly Kevin will throw in a clean the playroom order and that is all hands on deck. Everyone gets a bonus star.

For now, this works. I still hold loosely to ANY system because kids grow and mature and life happens. If I hold on to the system, I'll be unhappy and frustrated. Better to change the system as needed. I would be honored to talk through your life and needs and work on a system that might work for you in your current phase of life!